May the Bridges You Burn Light the Way

Something I have always struggled with is forgiveness. I was raised in church (stay with me, here. This isn’t a shove-religion-down-your-throat post…) from birth till deciding to take an extended (recently ended) hiatus from the multitudes of saints, sinners, and constant reminders that seem to remind me I don't belong.  I have listened to innumerable lectures sermons taught by equally as many men standing on stage.  I have read endless motivational posters and quotes urging one to forgive and forget. Still, I couldn’t ever fully wrap my head, or heart, around forgiving those who have wronged you or the ones you love.

I could never say I’ve led a hard life, by any means.  However, I HAVE been through much inconvenience. Heartbreak. Trouble.  I’ve been stabbed in the back and it’s not a feeling I would ever intentionally choose to endure again but the world is full of selfish people so we have no choice but to trust those who could potentially hurt us. Maybe that was why it was so difficult for me to grasp the concept of forgiving someone; you trust someone with a small piece of yourself and they reject it in one way or another. Not an easy thing to get over.

I wish I could pinpoint exactly what it was that smacked me in the face one afternoon but, sadly, I can’t. I just know that a certain understanding sort of culminated that I can’t be a whole person while festering over something someone did years ago. This was fairly strange for me, personally, because I come from a line of grudge-carriers. It’s insane how long my family can hold out on you, should you offend them in ANY form or fashion. Most of the individuals in my family are unapologetically passive-aggressive, so you're almost always left guessing what you did to earn that backhanded comment, but they'll most likely deny that. I had to grow out of the mindset that tip-toeing around an offensive subject was the way to end it. Leaving home, getting married, and having kids are all things that put you directly in the line of fire for literally everyone else's opinions and, more often than not, those can be utterly brutal. I wouldn't be able to mentally handle my day-to-day goings on had I not thickened my skin. More importantly, I would have a miserable life if I couldn't let go of the things said and done.Now that I’ve agitated whatever kin may have read that, let’s continue…

Forgiveness, for me, hasn’t been a one-and-done deal for me. In the super short amount of time I’ve been working at it, it’s been a daily act of understanding, accepting, and letting go. That is HARD and I haven’t really had something truly awful happen to me to warrant a life-long resentment. Not yet, anyway. I have, however, been a victim of unjust accusations that were pretty significant. Generally, instead of choosing the passive-aggressive route, I opt for full on, awkward confrontation. Should the situation not be resolved complete with adequate apologies and all, I simply drop the person from my life. Cut all strings. Burn the bridge. It’s easier than you would think. The only problem with that is the complete lack of closure to the situation. That can eat you alive from the inside out. It can genuinely make you a hateful person. That SUCKS. I would know, because I would occasionally find myself randomly thinking hateful thoughts and I disliked being that person even if I didn’t realize it at the time.

I recently reached out to someone who had hurt not only me but my entire little family so profoundly that we didn’t talk to or acknowledge this person for 3 years. They were immediate family. Like I said, easier than you think. *Kanye shrug*. After 3 years, the hatred intense dislike was basically routine. It’s habit. Easy; natural even.  However, forgiving this person has opened the door to being able to move on with my life. I didn’t realize how much their actions and words had affected me until I let them all go. It’s an incredible feeling. 

The hardest part in ALL of this being able to discern the difference of when you can forgive someone and maintain that relationship and when you have to forgive by letting them go. I, personally, have what some would call an unrealistic faith in humanity despite being proven wrong countless times. I was taught that everyone deserves a second chance. The benefit of the doubt. Give someone a legitimate chance to redeem themselves and you’d be surprised to find that some will actually rise to the occasion. Not everyone, obviously, but why not at least give them the chance to either seal their own coffin or step out of the hole they've dug for themselves? More importantly, you have to realize when the offender is doing more harm sticking around than benefiting you as a growing individual.  

Realize when to let a hurtful, hateful person go. Acknowledge when it's time to cut the strings. Understand that letting them go will let you go further in your life because you don’t have the weight of their so-called friendship. Know that there are times when the bridges you burn light the way.