After being distracted by the goings on in my life a small,
slightly extended, break from this blogging business, I’m trying to get back to
it. If any of you know me personally, you already know I have ADD tendencies. I
can go from talking about Frankie Valli to films about Middle Earth in about
3.7 seconds, hinting on every relatable point in between to get me there. I’m
also all over the map with blog topics; I usually find at least one good topic
a day but fail to write it down or find another article or blog that perfectly
mirrors my exact thoughts. Basically, this is me making excuses for why I haven’t
written anything in a significant amount of time. Now then, something that has
been weighing on my mind tremendously, as of late, is happiness; more
specifically being happy with ones’ self.
I've been riding the struggle bus that is body image issues all throughout my
life, I’ve fought hard through self doubt to become the outspoken person I am ,and
I feel like it’s finally time to claim happiness. Something I’m super guilty of is
relying on others for my joy. As I’m sure most of you know that can make for a
bad time. Looking to anyone else to make you happy will set you up for failure. You have certain expectations, certain goals that need to be reached in order to make you the right amount of happy for YOU. The problem that lies in looking to others for that is that *SURPRISE!* no one can read your mind. No one but you knows what can and will make you complete from one second to the next, and expecting them to be able to do so- even with the most intense, honest, and constant communication- is futile.
I’ve only recently decided to be a more positive, happier
person. I know you’re thinking that that sentence is ridiculous; you can just
decide to be a happy person? What about your circumstances? What about all the
heartbreaking, completely terrible things that happened, or are currently happening
to you right this moment? Those things affect you. Those things are real. Here’s
what I have found; they affect you as much as you let them. Say someone you
know and love dearly has been diagnosed with cancer. You can choose to sit and
be bitter and let the anger fester or you can rejoice in the time you have with
them and enjoy every single moment. They aren’t guaranteed a tomorrow. Do you
want their possible last memories of you to be of you stewing in a corner over
how unfair life is or would you rather them see you as grateful for the time
you have with them? (*Disclaimer- I have had multiple family members who have
been diagnosed with different types of cancer,
one family member who has died as a result, and several In-Laws who are either
currently fighting cancer or are high risk and have to monitor their health on
a regular basis. )
The same goes for marriages. If you invest all of your
expectations of a marriage working and thriving based on how happy your
significant other can make you they will fall short, at one point or another.
Do they make you happy? I’m sure they do, otherwise you wouldn’t have married
them. Why marry someone who makes you miserable, constantly, amiright?
Seriously, though, I’ve done this myself for far too long. I pushed expectations
of love and joy and a happily ever after onto my husband for the last 5 years and
have come up a few times empty handed. Does that mean he doesn’t love me?
Absolutely not. Does this mean we need to start discussing the “D” word? Start arranging
holidays with the kids and who gets them for this birthday and who takes them
on what vacation? No way.
I had a revelation this weekend that seemed so
incredibly, stupidly simple I literally facepalmed. I have to be happy with
myself before I can be truly happy with others. It’s that simple. I've heard this a few times, but never really took it to heart.
I haven’t
lost all the weight I packed on during two back to back pregnancies, so I, like
every other woman in the entire world ever, looked to my husband to make me
feel better about myself. Here’s the thing, why would someone who loves you
tell you that you are ADEQUATE now when you were once wonderful? Would that not
do more damage to your self esteem? Hint: it did mine. That aside, my husband is a
brutally honest person who doesn’t blow smoke up my butt. I’m sure that this
comes partly from being a no-nonsense Marine who is clear and concise with
each and every person about what he expects and wants. Before I go putting him
on a pedestal, (let me laugh it out a bit before continuing this sentence)
know that he has faults. He falls short, on occasion. He has a tendency to
blame. But he is also honest, and I know he is entirely correct on the fact
that I have some work to do. Let me ask you
something- when you go look in a mirror, what are some of the things you say about
yourself? Do you need to lose that extra weight? Do you see a round face and a
double wide backside? Now, imagine that someone you love told you the same things
you think about yourself. You would be upset, right? Typically, the people you
love and respect won’t tell you things like that because they don’t want to
hurt your feelings. Let me be clear in that I want NONE of you to leave this
page thinking to yourself that your significant others can or should stop
loving you or being affectionate or caring simply because you put on some lb’s.
This is not what I’m getting at. What I’m getting at is that, personally, I am
unhappy being unfit and that translates into many things I do and say.
Regardless of whether I say it or not, people can tell. Therefore, I am going
to change things that I am doing to become a happier person, inside and out.
This still goes far beyond the physical aspect. I know that
my attitude is lazy now, as well. I have become complacent in the many facets of
my life. I don’t pride myself on it. Remember above, how I had to make
excuses as to why I hadn’t been blogging? Yep. Case in point.
I have also noticed I tend to be negative about a lot of
things. I want so badly to see the good, the silver lining, in any situation or
individual. I’m not saying I should be unrealistic and naïve about things, I
just need to stop being so DOWN on people and experiences and just everything
in general. This has led me to be, more often than not, an unhappy person. You
can’t find the negative in life and be a delightful person to be around. It just doesn’t work that way. Don’t get me
wrong, I’m totally not a Grinch. I just have some work to do. A friend suggested yoga, to help meditate on
myself and find the positive light in those around me but I truly am not a
flexible person so that might be out of the question for now. Good suggestion,
though, for those who can handle it. I DO, however, intend to get back to the
gym grind. I am going to get back in shape and to set realistic goals for
MYSELF. When I am happy with how I look, with what I have accomplished, what I
have done, I can stop keeping company with people I’m looking for acceptance
from and just be present in the moment with them and be glad. I will stop putting
the weight of my happiness on the shoulders of others and take responsibility
for picking up that load and carrying it myself. When you can make yourself
happy, you can be utterly independent. Being independent, to me, means you have
others in your life because you simply WANT them there and they benefit who you
already are as a person. They cannot detract from your happiness because they
can’t take away what they haven’t given.
One thing I have already decided is that this will not be a pursuit of happiness. This is the taking of happiness. I will storm the castle, throw happiness onto my horse and White Knight her off beyond the setting sun. I'm taking it for myself, today. Okay. “Vague Life Lessons with Brianna”
is over for the day. I have to go water
our lawn on this gorgeous day, so everyone go forth and be excellent to each
other.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere"
- Agnes Repplier
